On Saturday I ran my second 10k, six point two miles of madness. I truly believe that running is merely a mind game. You can always go farther than you think and push yourself faster than you think. You just have to tell your body to keep going. I know that I'm fit enough to do it but at times my mind really just doesn't believe. If you've spent your entire life overweight and dealt with all of the shame and criticism then at some point your all of the internal pain will get in your way. Its the inner critic that keeps talking when no one else is. I've tried to make it a point to back hand that inner critic and move forward. But she is resilient and doesn't give up easily and had the tendency to be the worst when I'm when I'm running with other people. She usually points to all the ways I'm not good enough or I'm being judged.
The critic was particularly bad during this last race. By mile 2 I wanted to quit. Come on now mile TWO. I can run two miles backwards with my eyes closed without breaking a sweat but somehow at the two mile marker I was ready to quit turn back around and just go home. That didn't work for me. I kept running but by mile 4 had no control over my inner critic and she wore me down into a self doubt funk and I gave in to her and starting to walk. I ran a few times after that with my head still filled with doubt and pity. But when I got the cramp at mile five and what looked like the last people passed me. I was done.
But the VICTORY: I finished the Race, I have not given up on myself or running. I will continue to move forward towards my ultimate running and weight loss goals. One day at a time.
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