MILE FIVE-My Nemesis

On Saturday I ran my second 10k, six point two miles of madness. I truly believe that running is merely a mind game. You can always go farther than you think and push yourself faster than you think. You just have to tell your body to keep going. I know that I'm fit enough to do it but at times my mind really just doesn't believe. If you've spent your entire life overweight and dealt with all of the shame and criticism then at some point your all of the internal pain will get in your way. Its the inner critic that keeps talking when no one else is. I've tried to make it a point to back hand that inner critic and move forward. But she is resilient and doesn't give up easily and had the tendency to be the worst when I'm when I'm running with other people. She usually points to all the ways I'm not good enough or I'm being judged.

The critic was particularly bad during this last race. By mile 2 I wanted to quit. Come on now mile TWO. I can run two miles backwards with my eyes closed without breaking a sweat but somehow at the two mile marker I was ready to quit turn back around and just go home. That didn't work for me. I kept running but by mile 4 had no control over my inner critic and she wore me down into a self doubt funk and I gave in to her and starting to walk. I ran a few times after that with my head still filled with doubt and pity. But when I got the cramp at mile five and what looked like the last people passed me. I was done.

But the VICTORY: I finished the Race, I have not given up on myself or running. I will continue to move forward towards my ultimate running and weight loss goals. One day at a time.

TRAINING it UP

I recently found a new running schedule that I'm pretty sure is more legit and will help in my training. Its a combinations of tempo runs, hills, intervals and sprints. I think this will help get me ready for my actual half Marathon. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Week	Mon.	Tue.	Wed.	Thu.	Fri.	Sat.	Sun.
1	Off	Fartlek (4M)	4M	4M	Off	3M	6M
2	Off	Fartlek (4M)	5M	3M	Off	3M	7M
3	Off	4-5 Hills 5K-10K pace	5M	3M	Off	3M	6M
4	Off	3-4 Long Hills 5K-10K pace	3M	4M	Off	3M	8M
5	Off	5-6 Hills 5K-10K pace	3M	4M	Off	3M	7M
6	Off	3 x Mile 5K-10K pace	4M	6M	Off	5M	9M
7	Off	3 x Mile 5K-10K pace	3M	5M	Off	3M	7M
8	Off	6 x 880s 5K-10K pace	5M	6M	Off	5M	10M
9	Off	6 x 880s 5K-10K pace	4M	7M	Off	3M	10K Race (Or 8M run)
10M	Off	4 x Mile 5K-10K pace	6M	7M	Off	6M	12M
11	Off	5M	5M	8M	Off	3M	8M
12	Off	5M	5M	8M	Off	3M	RACE DAY

I know that I needed to look up what these random things meant so here is your running termonology dictionary.

Fartlek: Is a running technique used to build speed and work on your pace. It consist of a fluid combination of tempo running (a comfortable pace) and speed work. Essentially it is burst of speed in the middle of training run.

Hllls: Running hills are best for building strength. This not a huge deal it mostly mean you need to incorporate some hills into your training.

Blogging Buddies

I found a new blog that I really enjoy. I wanted to give a shout out to this cool chick who's on an amazing Journey of discovery. If you enjoy my blog you'll enjoy hers even more.

Check it out.

Freedom

Today I learned a new lesson. I really love running. When I 'm not worried about whos watching and when I'm not trying to push myself too hard, it is great. I have learned to enjoy the moment! There an immense amount of freedom in being aware of each breath aware of each thought. Today I enjoyed time to breath and process and enjoy being healthy. The best part about running is the freedom to think about no one but myself. I spend so much of my day tempering my emotions, thoughts, and actions by those around me and how I will effect them. BUT today I ran and I didn't have to care for anyone but myself. No need to worry about whether my running partner is tired or not, if they want to run faster or slower, whether or not they want to stop. There was no need to motivate anyone but me, no need to be responsible for anyone but me...ME ME ME ME! YES! JUST ME!!! I resolve today to protect my time for myself. I'm not going to be responsible to help motivate anyone else to run. I am letting go of all the pressure I have felt help motivate my friends to run or exercise. Especially my skinny friends who don't feel any of the stigmas of being fat and feeling unable to do things. When it comes to running I'm just going to motivate ME! FREEEEDDDDDOMMMM!

The Self Esteem wall Strikes again

I'm am learning that to continue with exercise and weight loss. You must believe in yourself and you cannot give up. I recently went for a run with friends. The few weeks proceeding this running date with friends. I had run at least 3 miles consistently each day. Some days it was really easy other days it was really hard. But I was able to complete it each time. Generally speaking I usually don't run with people cause it messes with my self esteem. But for the sake of a friend who wanted to start running I did.

But the inevitably happened, around the 2 mile mark of this three mile run. I started to get tired. And all of my inner demons came out, saying to me "you're to fat to do this, look at them they aren't even tired" I could feel my belief in myself fading. With each step I lost more and more motivation. Until finally I gave up and started walking at the 2.75 mark.

I ran again a few yards later and made it to the end. But the self deprecating voices had beat me. Which threw me into a week long funk. I didn't want to exercise. I started to lament about the year of hard work that has only made me 50 pounds lighter and left me plateaued for 6 months.

In these days I find it hard to celebrate the 50 pound victory cause I can only see the need to loose another 70 pounds and wishing it were there. And I'm angry at my skinny friends who take for granted the fact that they could just pick up and run 3 miles with minimal effort. Who don't have to worry about the cars going by and the people in them staring because of the oddity of seeing them run.

Each day I get up and go out. I fear the stares. I wonder if I have the courage it takes to muster up the emotional energy to work out with people whose bodies you envy! I have spent the last week fighting off these overwhelming emotions.

BUT I will not waist the victory of 50 pounds on lamenting what is yet to be, no instead I will celebrate the new courage, the new body the new abilities and hush the inner critic who is never satisfied, never happy. I will choose victory over defeat.

Here's to a new day a new week. I will not choose failure. I have a half marathon in 3 months. I cannot and will not give up.

Words that Inspire

Exercise and Weight loss: Progress

I haven't written in a long time and I haven't run a marathon. But I'm still running and exercising and I've made significant progress.

This is what progress looks like for me.

1. I've gained control over my eating habits and I enjoy eating healthily.

2. I exercise 6 days a week for an hour to an hour and a half.

3. I've lost about 30 pounds since my last post which probably makes for a totalof 55.

4. I've maintained a healthy relationship with my process and have not turned into the obsessive monster I was in my early twenties.

5. I RAN my FIRST RACE! a 10K on Oct 24th, 2010. I finally got over my fear and I crossed the finish line. I didn't run the entire thing but I ran the first 5miles.

5. I started p90xon Sept 2, 2010 and I'm still going strong on Nov 19.

6. I love myself and my body majorly! That in and of itself tops them all off. I pretty much enjoy looking at myself...All the time.

7. And I'm still working towards that marathon!

Here are some photos of me and my friends and family along the journey.