But the inevitably happened, around the 2 mile mark of this three mile run. I started to get tired. And all of my inner demons came out, saying to me "you're to fat to do this, look at them they aren't even tired" I could feel my belief in myself fading. With each step I lost more and more motivation. Until finally I gave up and started walking at the 2.75 mark.
I ran again a few yards later and made it to the end. But the self deprecating voices had beat me. Which threw me into a week long funk. I didn't want to exercise. I started to lament about the year of hard work that has only made me 50 pounds lighter and left me plateaued for 6 months.
In these days I find it hard to celebrate the 50 pound victory cause I can only see the need to loose another 70 pounds and wishing it were there. And I'm angry at my skinny friends who take for granted the fact that they could just pick up and run 3 miles with minimal effort. Who don't have to worry about the cars going by and the people in them staring because of the oddity of seeing them run.
Each day I get up and go out. I fear the stares. I wonder if I have the courage it takes to muster up the emotional energy to work out with people whose bodies you envy! I have spent the last week fighting off these overwhelming emotions.
BUT I will not waist the victory of 50 pounds on lamenting what is yet to be, no instead I will celebrate the new courage, the new body the new abilities and hush the inner critic who is never satisfied, never happy. I will choose victory over defeat.
Here's to a new day a new week. I will not choose failure. I have a half marathon in 3 months. I cannot and will not give up.
